I just want a normal hard life.
Our baby was born as the seasons tilted from autumn to winter. We sat with him in the yard in November and introduced him to our neighbors. The last leaves tumbled from the trees, and the snow came. We burrowed inside our home in Minneapolis. I moved gingerly, painfully as my body healed. I rocked our baby as night stretched her arms toward the solstice. I swayed and shifted on wooden floorboards to find the least creaky ones. I watched his eyelashes sweep further down his cheeks, like his daddy's. I fed him over and over and over again. I cried a lot. I cried at the tenderness, the beauty, the demands, the physical toll, the mind-spinning changes of this new life. This was so full, so much.
We are deep in winter, and helicopters buzz. I rock our bright-eyed baby, and the sounds of whistles cut through the heavy night. I hear them, and I worry. My heart rate spikes over and over and over again. They detain somebody in front of my favorite bakery - the bakery where my love and I share pastries on Friday mornings. I watch a video of a boy walking on the sidewalk before being taken. He implores: "Can I just go home?" I want to scoop him into my arms and rock side to side. I want to bring him home.
My heart strains, trying to grasp this all. My baby's dimple in his right cheek. My left wrist sore from curving around him. My husband's tired eyes. Car windows smashed. Neighbors dragged away and disappeared. My baby's 3 AM cry waking me from a nightmare where kids are shot in a high school cafeteria. Neighbors flooding a group chat with ferocious love and care. My sister transforming her restless anxiety into soup for organizers. It was so full, so much before. Now, the too-muchness of it all sloshes about in my brain, presses against my skull, makes me ache.
Existing is already hard without the cruelty and evil we are experiencing. My grandmother forgets more and more each day. My husband looks for a job, and each rejection stings. My baby cries inexplicably and ferociously. I find myself thinking: "I just want a normal hard life." I want them to go away and give us all a chance at normal, hard, sweet, complicated lives
